Its now two months since Olivia left.
I know, I'm here again.
I try not to go back into my memories and try to figure out where I could of saved her.
Maybe if I refused the doctors diagnosis, or told them I would do this myself, what if, what if.
I know, its craziness what my mind wants to do with this.
My friend asked me what would make me happier right now. I wanted to yell at her
"Give me Olivia back you son of a bitch !!!!"
But I was silent.
It's not her fault, its not anyones fault, but I still feel like I could've done something different.....I didn't just know, I just went with the situation not knowing how serious it was ! Why didn't I fight harder for her life!!!! Why didn't I fight harder?!!!!
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My homeopathic and I were talking about my unanswered questions.
" Well its not like God is going to part the skies and come down and tell you what you want to know! " she said.
I replied "Why not ? "
Seriously. Why not?
This force, this entity,
It parted the red sea for Moses
It stopped the sun and moon for Joshua
It healed the sick
It gave sight to the blind
It raised Lazarus from the dead !!!!!! My god, it raised Lazarus from the DEAD !!!!!!!!!!
Jesus walked on water, he did all these things through this connection!!! Why can't he come down and tell me what I want to know????? This great powerful force that runs the universe, holds the planets together, makes a flower bloom, tells a fetus to grow !!!!!!!
Why can't I feel this force with me now? Why can't it tell me what happened?
If I had one wish, my selfish wish would be to have a conversation with God, mind you I said conversation......that means he would answer me back instead of me crying to him and hearing only silence.
An excruciating experience to go through and I still don't understand and I don't even know what understanding I would have to understand to understand !! Just make it make sense, make it ok. In some weird and insane way, make this make sense.
I had a dream about three days before it happened.
In my dream there was a pink calendar and I heard the word miscarriage. That was it and I thought it was just a dream. But it was short and to the point and I still remember it to this day.
Erik told me the other day that he too had a dream about three days before, where a voice told him
"Your not going to be a father now and she's not going to make it."
WTF !!!!!! He told me he didn't want to tell me then because he didn't want me to stress out and he just ignored it. What do you think? If that is true, which I believe him, and my dream, then on some level there had to have been a force working behind this. Right????
These dreams relieve some of the anxiety of not knowing, but then I get days like tonight where I just want her back. Just bring her back to me. Please.
And there is nothing I can do to bring her back.
Death is final and I fight that feeling. The finality of it. Nothing I can do, nothing I can say, nothing to do but accept it and sit with it.
Letting the sadness take me over, letting the tears that never seem to stop just fall, knowing that life still goes on, still moves forward without ever stopping for one second.
The earth still spins, the moon still shines, the birds still sing and it seems so cruel.
I still ask him to take this from me when it seems to much to handle, to process.
I trust he hears me. I trust he is there...........
